Depression

Let’s talk about that taboo topic real quick. I realized a long long time ago I am or maybe was depressed. It’s a hard transition to go from being a person climbing that corporate or business ladder flying quickly or even steadily toward your dreams and then all of a sudden you are a stay at home mom because it’s not financially beneficial to continue your previous life. Then you have an incurable illness, then you have a curable illness that can potentially lead to death. Your entire life plan changes. It’s a quick blow to the ego, it’s a blow to your happiness and a dark cloud forms. You feel your self worth diminish because no matter how important of a job you are really doing society makes you feel like you aren’t.. Everyone has an excuse to why your job is crap is theirs is so much more difficult because they think they do your job and more but they don’t realize they are wrong. Realistically this happens to more than just me. In fact it’s huge. There are legitimate mommy wars about this stuff. So huge that there are tons of medications just to treat the emotions… Too bad there is nothing to treat the stigma.

So I’m going to talk about this journey both in the blog and today on my lunch time chat on facebook. Clearly the above was the beginning of round two down this road. I’ve actually suffered from Depression most of my existence. I can self treat. I don’t self medicate but it was manageable. I say was because somewhere after I moved to Maryland it was no longer manageable. I sought treatment and that’s how we discovered I had fibro. Depression can do damage to a person. Depression is defined by: “A brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” Some of those impairments include changes in sleep, appetite, energy level, concentration, daily behavior, self-esteem, mood, cognitive changes and thoughts of suicide. For me, it was self-esteem, daily behavior, loss of sleep, appetite changes and just blah. So here’s the thing. I wear sweats, i wasn’t doing my hair, my face or anything really. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want to be around anything or anyone.

If you have seen me in real life you will a frumpy mom who looks like her kids are driving her insane with activities and a schedule that is too busy to breath. It’s not the wrong impression. It’s how I feel. We have cut back on activities for my own health… most forced cut backs like the little gym. We use to go every day at 9am. It was hard on me and my body to get up and get out and then be out after that. I skipped breakfast the kids ate in the car and it just wasn’t healthy in that aspect. But it was amazing for the kids, they love it, we love the staff they were awesome but when I had surgery I just couldn’t do it alone. So it had to go until all this surgery crap is done. Piano. Laila loved piano… on good days and wanted to do other stuff and threw fits on others. I just cut piano. I can teach her what he was. It means that there is no rush to get out the door and go to the mall on a Saturday when she wants to sleep in and play with her friends or go to the farmers market etc… Piano had to take a break too.. he also pissed me off soooooooooo yea. I have sports season in fall I’m prepping for that August 1 James starts football. Archer and Laila will start Lacrosse and Soccer (not sure if Lacrosse is offered but if it is they will) Laila will be in dance. Over the summer Archer is in creative movement, Laila has princess camp (assuming she is potty trained), and in dance still. Joel has shooting hobbies and his motorcycle and races to watch… are you noticing one person is absent from having their own anything?

I still have some of these days, it’s most days. Now here comes the part that sounds like a sales pitch but it’s really not, it’s what changed. I still suffer from depression most days. Now I come on lives, there are days I put on make up and feel pretty and then I’m compelled to get up and get dressed. If I get dressed I’m compelled to go somewhere… the mall, the supermarket… anywhere. That’s because with Limelight I am held accountable. I’m suppose to be positive and happy and supportive and I show my products on my self and all of those things improve my mood. It’s literally forcing me to be a better person. They hold me accountable to be those things because that is my essence I just have gotten so far away from it that it was work to get back to it. Limelight is my light. Now that’s not to say Pampered Chef is crap, it’s not. I joined pampered chef because I love their products, they are amazing. I was hoping it would help me be more social and to a small extent it did but that was when I was out doing shows or at shows. Limelight I have to wake up every day and be accountable to do my lunch time lives even if I’m late. If I accept a challenge, I’m accountable to complete it. My friend, who is also my upline, keeps me accountable. She checks in on my posts not to see the content but to see if I’m mentally doing okay. If I’m happy with my life. If there is anyway she can help me feel better. Wanting to get up and show the world how amazing I feel when I do an invigorating scrub in the shower, or how pretty I feel with make up or with my skin healed is an awesome feeling. I enjoy feeling happy, it sure as hell beats the other emotions associated with depression. Every sale gives me a confidence boost, not because of the financial support but because I truly feel like I’m helping people feel better and look better and feel better about how they look, just like me.

Subconsciously I feel like everyone is an extension of myself and when I help them I feel like I’m helping my self get better all over again. They say the 2 most important days in your life are the day you are born and they day you discover why. I think I discovered why a long time ago. I feel like I’m suppose to help people in some way… with advice, being a ear, helping solve issues etc… and that’s been the best motivation to not stay depressed every day. Some days Depression wins but any day it doesn’t it’s an amazing day.

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