Illusion of Choice and Chaos

Today is it… it is the last day I have all my organs, it’s the last day of my pre surgery weight loss goals, today is the last day I have to prep my kids, the last day I have to clean and get everything in order, the last day to prep for recovery… there are many lasts today….

You see I have the illusion of choice.  The illusion that I’m getting this hysterectomy of my own free will.  It’s not necessarily my choice but at least the timing is.  I’m doing this on my time.  I’m not letting cancer or anything else dictate my date.  There is no rush, in fact tomorrow (7/7) is a postponement of my original date of 5/5 that was just too soon for my comfort after my last surgery.

I spent my night, because who sleeps, reading blog after blog medical journal after medical journal of what I am to expect from this grand chapter ending in my life.  The ability to reproduce children forever gone.  It’s no secret I didn’t want to be finished but those choices were made for me long before I had a say.  The positives… no more periods but I did read some women still bleed and lets make sure that’s not a thing shall we because seriously…. who the hell wants to have a period after they remove their lady organs right??  Also, they remove your lady organ through your lady parts even though you now get 5 incisions through various muscles.  Also, did you know you aren’t suppose to shave a week prior to the surgery at least, even arm pits.  No deodorant either.  They are going to operate on Sasquatch.  And the special soap you wash with….. it’s gonna make your skin look and feel like the Sahara desert.  So guess who’s bringing all her skincare to the hospital for after?  Yup we’re gonna have a limelight moisturize my skin party in the hospital after surgery lol

I learned from my readings that I will gain weight and it will be difficult to lose.  I learned that no body knows how many calories your uterus burns so no one knows how to adjust the basal metabolic rate calculations.  I learned I will look 6 months pregnant for 8 weeks and I learned I will be in pain.  I learned there is a reason they have you on a pain pump in the hospital and even the bravest of women whom delivered 6 babies drug free were forced to abuse that pain pump.  I learned I need to make sure everything that touches my skin bed included is freshly laundered.    I learned that I won’t be able to do laundry, drive, clean or hold my kids.  I learned I’ll need a pillow around my stomach to help when I sneeze or have to move.  I learned the recovery is more miserable than most surgeries…. I learned I’ll forget in a year about how shitty it really was and I’ll tell  people it was fine.

Most importantly I learned how unprepared for this event I really am.  I’ve prepared by inviting my mom to help for a week, and I’ll go food shopping later.  I plan to use One drop wonder to heal the open wounds quickly (yes it does that I tested it on a cut this week).  That’s the end of my preparations honestly.  So today I’ll meticulously scrub every room in this house since it’ll be the last time I can clean for a few weeks, I will do all of the laundry, put away all of the clothes, stock the snacks and the fridge, prep some meals, and make sure I have diapers for the kids.  I know I have friends who will pop in, maybe, but I also know my own family will be busy trying to play mommy and that’s not easy.  My kids are huge mommies kids even down to James they have very specific needs and wants and likes and are particular about who does what for them and when.  Most nights daddy isn’t allowed to take them to bed it has to be mommy.  These challenges will suck but they are part of life for them to learn adaptation.

Not gonna lie the first conversation with Laila about tomorrow sucked.  It was sad, my heart hurt saying the words “Mommy isn’t going to be there when you wake up and won’t be home tomorrow but I’ll see you in 2 days”  Archer cried and hasn’t wanted to be put down all morning.  Laila was sad asking who’s going to be her mommy while I’m gone.  These convos are not easy but the idea of having a tea party with their grandma and getting to give mommy a check up fixes everything.

Tomorrow everything will be fine but today…… today will be chaos as I prepare for my illusion of choice.


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