It’s there….

Sometimes when we think things that are crazy and nuts are negative… they aren’t they have a positive silver lining.  There was a crazy situation with a person.  I was upset that humans have no humanity or empathy.  However, right now I’m listening to my dear friend and upline Erica, tell me that I dodged a bullet.  I never noticed that silver lining.  I was so wrapped up in the crazy and the nuts that I neglected to find the positive.  It was a mistake I’m actively trying not to repeat.  Because all day today I thought I was late but I made it with in a minute or two.  Because all day today the universe gave me little signs of humanity like the person in front of me paying for my coffee (Yes I paid it forward).    Because when I turned the corner at starbucks there was an off duty Santa in plain clothes sitting there with a smile on my face like he could feel my frustration and was telling me it would be okay with his expression.  Because when I had to drop my van off for a fix even though it’s taking an extra day and means an extra day of a rental, they tried to squeeze it in.  Because I got a new car as a rental.  Because I got to eat food I LOVE and I discovered a new restaurant near me.  Because I watched my oldest eat food out of his comfort zone.

This doesn’t mean I didn’t have 3 fevers in my house, this doesn’t mean I don’t have a house that looks like a hurricane hit it.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t get a phone call from one of my besties about her getting cut or about my other bestie having a rough time or my other bestie (yes I have a few lol) falling.  It doesn’t mean these things didn’t happen.  They did, the negative did happen but there was positive too.  There was love shown, there was growth made, there was laughs had.

The point of tonight’s late night post is this…. find the positive in the situations.  There is always a positive even in the shittiest of places.  Sometimes it’s hard to find.  If you concentrate on the crap life gives you, you will be up shits creek.  If you look for the positive when life gives you crap, you will turn it into a multi million dollar manure business….. Remember that phrase when life gives you lemons… turn it into a lemon tree.  Take what life gives you and create the a positive impact in your existence.   It is the snow ball effect!!!!  (The same holds true for the negative… don’t let that snow ball…. )  You control your life.  Be a good human, be empathetic.

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Breaking Traditions?

As a kid growing up we would set out cookies for Santa next to the fireplace watch Christmas movies laying next to the warm fire and then in the morning the presents were under the tree.  Thanksgiving was usually just family around the table it didn’t matter if we were in Vermont, in Kansas City or in West Orange.  As we got older we have been trying to balance families.  My husbands large family that we live near always wants to do things together.  My parents don’t care what we do as long as they get to see us.  It just so happens that holidays are when we get off from school and work so we can visit them (they have more room than we do).  Last year we juggled the holiday because we had the rare opportunity to see my brother before he moved to Australia.  My husband’s family also celebrates 3 kings day which is like a 2nd Christmas for them.

The first year we hosted Thanksgiving in our small apartment, and we had a party with his family for my husband’s 25th.  The first christmas we spent Christmas eve at my in laws and Christmas Day with my family.  We attended 3 kings at my husband’s Aunts house.  The next year we hosted Thanksgiving and Traveled for Christmas.  The year after we traveled for Thanksgiving and pulled double duty for Christmas again and we hosted 3 kings day.  It was our last 3 kings with the family.  We then celebrated 3 kings with Archer’s God parents after he was born.  We also have spent every new years with them or at home.  Last 2 years we’ve done some type of Thanksgiving celebration here with the in laws and in some cases did a 2nd one at one at my parent’s houses (neither of my parents homes are closer than 4 hours away).  Christmas we have traveled the last two years.

The whole point of these are leading up to this year.  Usually this is the year we spend Christmas eve at my in laws.  There will be a minimum of 17 people in a small space 20-30 minutes away from our home.  I hate traveling for Christmas, even to my parents house.  For clarification we don’t travel to my parents house for the holiday we travel because they live in freaking paradise and we need a damn vacation.  In PA my parents have 7000 square feet of space, a movie theater, and a freaking in door pool.  In NC they have beautiful weather, another movie theater and just a relaxing screened in porch.  The kids have all the room in the world to run and play.  My parents always come to us when we can’t travel to them if its for a holiday so our location is irrelevant when it comes to spending time together.  We have every day opportunities to spend it with my in laws if they chose to but our time with my side is limited due to distance.

I get it.  My in laws want all their grandkids in one spot… they have “9” currently and will have 11? by June of 2018.  But I hate traveling for Christmas weekend period even to my own family which is why it’s always longer than a weekend when we do… they are also currently 8 hours away.  Usually Joel ends up working on Christmas eve but this year it’s a weekend so he’s free.  All we want to do is circle around the fire, watch Christmas movies and cuddle.  The norm would be for us to haul our kids down to Germantown stay for 2-3 hours drive them back where they will fall asleep then wake them up take them up to bed, deal with cranky kids because we woke them up and then start Christmas morning as usual a few hours after that.  Usually  my parents arrive at my house while we are out so they are present for Christmas morning.  It’s a system that has worked.

Am I wrong for wanting to break “tradition” though?  I would prefer that we do a daytime gift exchange that doesn’t interfere with sleep schedules for a local celebration  or even go back to celebrating the dreaded (there are literally a minimum of 27 adults and 20 kids) 3 kings celebration with the in laws… actually I really prefer not to do that.  We want to break the having to bounce around and spread ourselves thin.  We use the holidays to visit people we don’t get to see often but on short days like the 3 days this year we just want to be home together.  I can see everyone local at anytime.  My sister in law and I do a gift exchange earlier.  I send gifts to my mother in laws 2 weeks in advance so she has them for tree placement regardless of where we will be.  It’s frustrating.  At the end of the day we will do what we want this year, the hard part is trying to explain to everyone else we are tired of doing what everyone else wants from us.    I put a lot of work into making Christmas magical for my kids, this year my business has allowed for some extra magic so we’re taking a Merrytime (Christmas themed) Disney Cruise in November to kick off our holiday season.

Any ideas on how to break the news to my in laws?  I feel bad because it’s a tradition they had before we were married and it’s one we have a difficult time holding up now that we have 3 kids.  I want to start something new… any ideas?

The stage… this stage

Yesterday I posted a link to a site which had a quote about how this stage of life is difficult.  This is not the everyone is getting married and having babies stage.  This is the were we have multiple kids and crazy schedules.  This is where Sarah has completely disappeared and Mom is the only person left.  We’ve talked about this before, rediscovering your new self in this new existence you call life is no easy task.  Let’s face it folks you are not the same person as you were a decade ago or pre kids.  Life changes, you changes… that’s adaptation at it’s finest.  Our friends are all in different stages some are still having kids, some divorcing, some dating again and some long gone.  They are changing too.  Sometimes we are blessed to go through the stages at the same time and most of the time we adapt because we aren’t.

This stage also contains “standing by and witnessing your friends struggle in their marriage, and even get divorced. It’s a stage where you’ve got to put in the time and the effort and the work and the energy to make sure your OWN marriage stays healthy. And that’s good, but it’s hard, too.   At this point, you or someone you know has experienced infertility. Miscarriages. Loss of a child.  It’s a stage where you are buying houses, selling houses, remodeling houses, packing up houses. ”

So here’s the deal.  In the article it stated a bunch of stuff to survive and I’m sure that worked for someone but the reality is this is your journey and you will have to find your own method of coping, surviving and success.

With that said, I personally struggle with my identity.  I don’t have hobbies, I don’t watch TV, I don’t really enjoy doing anything anymore.  All the things I once loved are a burden.  They take time away from my packed schedule.  I could unpack my schedule but it doesn’t free up time for me.  I could make time for me but then I’m taking it away from the kids or my husband who are all 4 in stages where they need me.  Life is constantly changing.

Then there is struggling with my worth…. I know I’m the “bomb digity”, I know I’m amazing… these are not the types of value I struggle with.  What I’m dealing with is summed up pretty accurately in the original article “you are dealing with guilt. Guilt over having a career, and not spending enough time with your kids, or guilt over staying home with your kids, and not doing enough to contribute financially”.  I’m blessed to have found a business I can contribute but I never feel like it’s enough, mostly because I feel like I should put more time into my  business.  It’s something I really like and even though I do alright I’m only dedicating a few minutes a day.  Imagine if I dedicated an hour or two or more… Imagine if I actually left my house for something other than errands or kids stuff and actually networked.  But I don’t, at least not yet.  My job isn’t hard, I love the stuff anyone can do it but I find myself so consumed with everyone else’s “shit” because that’s what it is that I don’t do something that I’m 1. really freaking good at and 2. something I enjoy and believe in.

Every day I try to take a second (literally a second) and try to find myself.  I know I need to dedicate more time to things like scrap booking, exercise (I hate exercise but I need to walk), cooking more, investing in my self development, and investing more time into my business.  Lets face it I won’t really get to find hobbies until theses kids are all self sufficient.  Hell I can’t even go to the damn therapist for my doctor ordered physical therapy.  Partly because of the kids activities, partly because the times never work out and mostly because I don’t trust 99% of population with the care of my kids even if it’s for a second.  I literally have 3 maybe 4 people I’d leave my kids with and they know who they are but that lack of trust in humanity leaves me on the hook 24/7 and that’s stressful but at least I’m real about my self inflicted lack of sanity.

We enter this stage because of the choices we make, we survive it based on the choices we make.

Original article:

http://austin.citymomsblog.com/2016/04/20/stage-life-hard/

Pre-School

On Oct 2nd Laila started pre school.  You would think life would be less busy…. nope.  It’s worse.  It’s crazier I’m literally out of the house 5 days a week running around what feels like all day.  What the hell man!!!!  I was suppose to get a 3 hour break because I’m down to 1 kid but nope.

The school it’s self is amazing.  Laila has learned so much.  It’s freaking awesome.  She’s rude as shit to her student teachers (sorry Shammon – he’s one of my football players).  But she’s cute and knows who to be cute with.

Archer has gotten some much needed one on one but I need him potty trained.  As soon as we drop Laila off it’s errands or a class for Archer.  Then we get Laila and we have therapy sports or dance or some shit 3 days a week after class.  Then Thursday football cookie baking and Friday is game day!!! and at least one day we paint the field.

Mama needs a break!! Just kidding at least I’m not at home eating everything in site.  Kinda loving the crazy but it doesn’t allow for much time on my lives or doing make up on a live.  Tis the season to rev up my business too… If I thought life was crazy before it’s about to get psycho with 4th quarter.

Thanks for checking into my blog, I promise one day I’ll get more consistent with this… just not today lol

WTF is Anxiety?

I don’t know .  I can tell you it comes in many different forms.  It comes in butterflies in the chest, it comes in the form of a mock heart attack, it can be breathing problems.  So when I helped my friends through their episodes I can easily do it but never in a million years thought I would have it.  Why?  because I don’t care about most things, I don’t worry about things I can’t control, I don’t worry about money or my sales, I don’t have nervousness.  I don’t like clutter or mess that’s true and that will stress me out but I’ll just leave and make someone clean it up.   Lately I’ve had this weird chest thing going on sometimes it’s pain all the time it’s butterflies but it is unwavering and consistent day in and day out all day with out more than a few minutes break.  I thought in the beginning that something was off but I never figured it out.  It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing it is present.  There is no meditation or relaxation to calm it, none of the meds work but it also it is just a pain or just a flutter nothing else.

What is causing it?  I have no clue.  What can help it?  Also, no clue.  So how did I come to the conclusion I’m having an anxiety attack you  may ask?  Well…. you guessed it Limelight.  lol yup I know this is where you are like “WTF are you talking about?”  Part of being in Limelight is support, it is a 360 degree lifestyle.  We are more than business partners we are sisters and brothers and my upline Erica invited me to a live from one of my fellow limelight girls and this was part of her topic.  Had she not talked about the flutter I would have never known this is what it is.

Limelight is more than a make up company… no seriously and I don’t mean it’s skincare too.  It’s a family business they key word is family.  The goal is to transform lives.  Now this article isn’t about the business but that’s how I found out what’s going on.  Before you ask me… No I will not go see the Dr. he is a jerk that is going to try to drug me and my favorite PA has moved to New Orleans and favorite Dr. is now only with the VA.  It’s hard to find good doctors…. I see minute clinic in emergencies and if I need meds for a cold but that’s about it.

Below I’ve posted a link with 12 signs of an anxiety issue… none of which I have but just because you don’t fit the typical signs doesn’t mean you don’t have the problem.  I’ve also posted the definition of anxiety.  Most people don’t understand what it is.  In my case it’s literally a constant pain or feeling of butterflies literally dead center of my chest that often feels like there might be something stuck in your throat but it doesn’t really hurt you it’s just weird.  It feels like something is horribly off or as I explained the butter flies to Joel when it started a few weeks ago… It feels like if someone you love dearly dies… that feeling in your chest right before you burst out crying where you are filled with emotion…. that is what it feels like for me… except I have no emotions.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20646990,00.html#self-doubt

The dictionary defines it as:

anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/
noun
  1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
    “he felt a surge of anxiety”
    synonyms: worryconcernapprehension, apprehensiveness, uneasinessunease, fearfulness, feardisquietdisquietudeinquietudeperturbationagitationangstmisgivingnervousness, nerves, tension, tenseness; More

    • desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease.
      “the housekeeper’s eager anxiety to please”
      synonyms: eagernesskeennessdesire

      “an anxiety to please”
    • PSYCHIATRY
      a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

Schedule switches

Football season has started and lets say Varsity is way crazier than JV every was.  James is at practice from 3-8 every single day, weekends the time changes but they are still there.  The season actually kicks off before school starts which I think is crazy but that’s mom life right?  Laila and Archer are starting Lacrosse, Archer is doing Tball and Laila is doing dance.  Both kids also are signed up for some cooking classes.  I’m trying to figure out where Piano will fit in this.  Actually I’m trying to figure out how sanity fits in.

Needless to say it’s difficult for Joel to be there for everything because of work and running a business on my end well lets just say thank god I can work from anywhere.  These schedule additions and changes are rough on the pre programmed body honestly.  I still have my responsibilities as a team player, leader, coach and partner with Limelight as well as my home responsibilities of the keeper of the home or as I refer to it…. Director of Domestic Affairs.

I make time, I don’t have it, I can’t find it but I make it.  So this blog entry is less about how and more of an inquiry into what others do honestly.  There is a lot of planning that is involved in all these activities a little extra planning let me run things smoothly…. I hate planning but I’m damn good at it lol.  What do you do?

2 toddlers plus 3 = craziness

It’s no secret that I do and have watched my friend’s and families kids when in a pinch, as long as my schedule doesn’t contradict it.  Sport seasons are usually the only conflicts, perks of being a business owner.  Today was the first time in a long time I had 4… then 5 kids while actually out of the house.  Now before you tell me how crazy I am for taking 4 & 5 kids under 8 out all at the same time… let me just say it wasn’t as bad as you’d imagine.  It was actually pretty alright.  Minus Archer getting tired and turning into a classic A hole and Child J having to be told to focus like 3 times.  If you think about it … an 8 year old, twin 5 year olds, a 3 year old and a 2 year old would be suicide but it wasn’t.  It was pleasant.  I’m not new to hanging out with this gang usually we do it for an hour or so around the house but today… we were out!!!

James opted to sleep in literally until 2pm.  Insert emoji here that makes that “really -_- ” face.  So he was no help.  Child L is the oldest of the bunch and she was an amazing help today.  When I needed an extra hand to help holding hands crossing the street she was there.  She took her siblings to the potty because I’m terrified of letting kids go to the restroom alone so I force a buddy system and Child J is a boy so that was a little awkward at lunch for him but he’s so quick it was no big deal.  In the mall we all would just go to the family bathroom and take turns so that everyone was safely in one area.  I know I know I’m over protective but hey there are lots of creeps in the world.

We first had a small snack, then hit the Mall.  We went straight to the play area for about an hour before hitting the bounce house.  We were the only ones that early in the bounce house so it was awesome.  The kids had full reign of the entire place and I was free to answer my clients and get some work done while everyone safely played.  It’s one of my favorite places to take the kids because it’s safe, closed in and because I have flexibility to work I can make money while we all play.  about 3 minutes before our time was up other people came there and the kids were ready to go get Child H from camp.

This is where we go from 4 to 5.  The transition was smooth, we hung out for a few minutes for the rush to leave so we could safely cross the street and we headed over to lunch.  the lunch of choice was McDonalds… so 5 Happy meals later, 3 extra fries, and extra burger, 12 cookies, and extra apple juices later the kids were full and ready for a rest.  Lunch was about an hour and a half.   If you ask me that’s perfect.  5 tired, full kids listening and agreeing… yup I’ll take that any day of the week.  Yes I brought lunch home for lazy James too.

The kids came back to the house, all sat on the couch with their happy meal toys and even though it felt like seconds but was much longer…. it was time to go.  Mama was at the door picking up her trio.  Laila and Archer grabbed the tablets and up to bed they went.  Joel came home slightly after and is heading off to his tattoo appointment and me?  Well I’ve got a product launch tomorrow, and I had surprise products come back in stock today.  Life is crazy when business is good and life is definitely crazy right now…. Realistically, I’ll be sitting here listening to trainings, maybe posting something, answering questions with my feet up watching HGTV or DIY (right now it’s HGTV) lol and just relaxing with a coffee.

Life is what you make it, I’m making mine amazing!!!  Big things are on the horizon… stay tune we’ll talk about them soon.

Holy Recovery

Remember we do transparency.  Well lets talk about this, we are in week 2… Kids are the devil!  Will you be mobile?  Yes.  Will you have pain… yes.  Will you still have an issue going potty?  Yup… if you take your pain meds and there’s a good chance if you have small children with no perception of personal space and strength then you’ll need your pain meds and more.  Will you need them if you over do it like I do?  Oh yea….

As the dermo glue stuff comes off your incisions will hurt.  They won’t open but they will hurt.  They will hurt with touch, they will hurt with certain movements.  Can you exercise?  NO.  Walking is it.  Walking helps you heal but don’t be a Sarah and over do it.  You will have aches… are they agonizing… Nope.  What hurts is when you get hit, now that is pain med worthy.  Over use of muscles will cause a need for relief.

Kids are the devil with surgery recovery!!!!!!!  However, if you can survive them you can survive the apocalypse.  There are certain things you can’t do for a specific number of weeks because of the internal stitches and it’ll take a toll on your marriage.  Not for me I don’t care but normal people.  My poor husband is screwed lmfao.

So later today I have a physical check up to see if I’ve popped those stitches running after these crazy children I have.  However, I did get a call today while I was writing this.  I made the right decision to remove my junk.  They found a shit ton of endometriosis.  They did not find anymore cancer but found cells that were starting to change.  So I don’t have to worry about that spreading out since my lady parts are now in a lab and not in my body.

Good news.  I feel like this blog has turned into my uterus blog but we’ll go back to our regular schedule random topics… promise!!!

Things you discover after the fact

This article has graphic content.  We all know the reasons we go into surgeries but there are almost always things we didn’t know that occur or they find during the surgery.  The little details that make us say “wow wtf”  or “omg really”.  Yea my surgery is no different.  Now that I’m more coherent, still pretty medicated though, I’m able to understand some of the things the dr. was explaining to me, some of the things I heard during the nurses change overs and some of the pictures Joel got to see of my “junk”.  These details explain a good amount of my adult life and would have been great to know years ago.

So let’s start with pictures.  The picture below is similar to what Joel saw but is from google since I don’t have my pics from my surgery yet. (These are pictures of a normal Uterus)

so These are the most similar to what Joel was shown.  I have known since pregnancy that my Uterus was positioned slightly farther back which made for very easy pregnancies and the lack of being able to feel bad contractions.  I mostly had back pain but since I’ve had back pain my whole life a little heat always helped that.   In the picture below you can see different shapes,  I would be considered Retrocessed  possibly Retroverted but I don’t have a clear distinction on that yet.  It doesn’t affect the anatomy of the Uterus and won’t cause fertility issues.  One in six women have retroverted (tilted) uterus positions.

types-of-uterus-displacement

During my debriefing about how wonderful everything went.  I was told the only “new” thing they found was that my uterus was shaped differently.  Like it was round instead of a pear.  Now it shouldn’t affect fertility except…….. when I was listening to shift change and they said I had fibroids removed.  Didn’t even know I had them honestly.  We had removed Stage 0 Cancer cells in February and we knew I had endometriosis which they said looks like they removed all of it with the removal of the uterus.  But Fibroids????

uterine-fibroids-illustration

Now 1 in 5 women will get and have fibroids.  They are pretty much benign tumors.  They can make you look pregnant and based on placement can cause fertility issues.  This is something all women should be aware of.  They suck and can mess with your periods and be painful or they can do nothing and you won’t have a clue.  However, looking back my dr. must have known because the word Myomectomy was on my paperwork.

The moral of the story here is, as women it is important to get the details about our bodies especially if you had miscarriages and/ or struggled with fertility.  You can’t go back and change anything but it’s good to have answers and it’s good to know for the future if it happens to your kids or your friends you’ll have enough knowledge to let them know what happened to you etc…