Illusion of Choice and Chaos

Today is it… it is the last day I have all my organs, it’s the last day of my pre surgery weight loss goals, today is the last day I have to prep my kids, the last day I have to clean and get everything in order, the last day to prep for recovery… there are many lasts today….

You see I have the illusion of choice.  The illusion that I’m getting this hysterectomy of my own free will.  It’s not necessarily my choice but at least the timing is.  I’m doing this on my time.  I’m not letting cancer or anything else dictate my date.  There is no rush, in fact tomorrow (7/7) is a postponement of my original date of 5/5 that was just too soon for my comfort after my last surgery.

I spent my night, because who sleeps, reading blog after blog medical journal after medical journal of what I am to expect from this grand chapter ending in my life.  The ability to reproduce children forever gone.  It’s no secret I didn’t want to be finished but those choices were made for me long before I had a say.  The positives… no more periods but I did read some women still bleed and lets make sure that’s not a thing shall we because seriously…. who the hell wants to have a period after they remove their lady organs right??  Also, they remove your lady organ through your lady parts even though you now get 5 incisions through various muscles.  Also, did you know you aren’t suppose to shave a week prior to the surgery at least, even arm pits.  No deodorant either.  They are going to operate on Sasquatch.  And the special soap you wash with….. it’s gonna make your skin look and feel like the Sahara desert.  So guess who’s bringing all her skincare to the hospital for after?  Yup we’re gonna have a limelight moisturize my skin party in the hospital after surgery lol

I learned from my readings that I will gain weight and it will be difficult to lose.  I learned that no body knows how many calories your uterus burns so no one knows how to adjust the basal metabolic rate calculations.  I learned I will look 6 months pregnant for 8 weeks and I learned I will be in pain.  I learned there is a reason they have you on a pain pump in the hospital and even the bravest of women whom delivered 6 babies drug free were forced to abuse that pain pump.  I learned I need to make sure everything that touches my skin bed included is freshly laundered.    I learned that I won’t be able to do laundry, drive, clean or hold my kids.  I learned I’ll need a pillow around my stomach to help when I sneeze or have to move.  I learned the recovery is more miserable than most surgeries…. I learned I’ll forget in a year about how shitty it really was and I’ll tell  people it was fine.

Most importantly I learned how unprepared for this event I really am.  I’ve prepared by inviting my mom to help for a week, and I’ll go food shopping later.  I plan to use One drop wonder to heal the open wounds quickly (yes it does that I tested it on a cut this week).  That’s the end of my preparations honestly.  So today I’ll meticulously scrub every room in this house since it’ll be the last time I can clean for a few weeks, I will do all of the laundry, put away all of the clothes, stock the snacks and the fridge, prep some meals, and make sure I have diapers for the kids.  I know I have friends who will pop in, maybe, but I also know my own family will be busy trying to play mommy and that’s not easy.  My kids are huge mommies kids even down to James they have very specific needs and wants and likes and are particular about who does what for them and when.  Most nights daddy isn’t allowed to take them to bed it has to be mommy.  These challenges will suck but they are part of life for them to learn adaptation.

Not gonna lie the first conversation with Laila about tomorrow sucked.  It was sad, my heart hurt saying the words “Mommy isn’t going to be there when you wake up and won’t be home tomorrow but I’ll see you in 2 days”  Archer cried and hasn’t wanted to be put down all morning.  Laila was sad asking who’s going to be her mommy while I’m gone.  These convos are not easy but the idea of having a tea party with their grandma and getting to give mommy a check up fixes everything.

Tomorrow everything will be fine but today…… today will be chaos as I prepare for my illusion of choice.

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The bell of change

On Thursday (6/22/17) if you watched my live, mid demonstration of Liquid Sunshine (or as I call it Sun kissed Goddess) I got emotional.  Yesterday was our neighbor’s last day in the house.  It was bitter sweet.  I’m blessed enough that I can work from anywhere, so I was able to shop and cook for a lovely dinner for all of us.  My other neighbor baked the most amazing desserts.  Our kids played outside and had a blast.  It was awesome.

In the same breath it was sad because I won’t look out and see their daughter pushing her cart or just have random conversations about any and everything while mowing the lawn.  We have had the pleasure of seeing their daughter grow from a new born to this almost 2 year old independent animal loving toddler.  However, It was also time.

The bell of change has rung.  We knew this day would come.  Secretly (or not so secretly) we want to end up in the same neighborhood again and be neighbors.  We all want the exact same thing for our families regardless of our place in life and my neighbors were lucky enough to find the perfect house in the perfect area with the perfect school district.  The same school district we are also looking at and the same one my other neighbor likes too.

They made the first move.  My other neighbor will make her own changes and we are planning our own.  It’s a domino effect.  We each moved here at different times in different stages of our lives and even though now we are still in slightly different stages we are closer together than ever.  We’ve bonded and even with our bond the sound of change doesn’t seem to be so bad.

We all aspire to evolve… that sometimes includes our homes.  It’s time.  I’m happy for them and I will see them next week.  We all are happy for them and honestly, we needed one of our neighbors to start the domino so we could get our ish together for that bigger house with the acres in a great school district.

We’ll be right behind you, who knows where we’ll end up but the bell of change has rung and we are riding the sound wave.

On a side note… I need to come up with a pretty awesome house warming gift lol

This is bullshit

We are not suppose to bury our children. Let me repeat that WE as in the PARENTS are not supposed to bury our CHILDREN. They are suppose to out live us. A few hours ago we were informed that a former coworker and friend of my husband will be burying his 16 year old son that had passed away in an accident over the weekend. His son and my son both the same age (his son is like 9 months older) got along great. Like super close friends great, except they weren’t friends. They rarely saw each other. In fact they had only met 3 times but you’d never have known that if you ever saw them together…. James and Jonathan. Every time they played they made plans for a sleepover and of course as the friendly parents that we are we all agreed but life happens. Those sleep overs never solidified. Our boys didn’t really use cell phones like that (at the time) so being an hour away with out each other’s xbox or ps ID means that no real friendship formed when they were apart.

The thing is regardless of if we had ever met the kid, or if we hung out with the parents the fact is my heart cries for them. I can’t in this life and hopefully not in the next life imagine what that pain feels like. My entire existence revolves around my kids. I left corporate America to make sure I never miss a single moment. Thank God I have this amazing opportunity to work from home or from anywhere so I can be at the games and the practices and pick them up from school. Even with all of that, shit happens. Things go wrong. It only takes one split microsecond to lose all that you work so hard for. All that you love.

It does not feel natural to have to bury a child. Not as infants, not as toddlers, not as kids, not as teens, and not even as adults. This is not suppose to be or feel normal. It is not a feeling any of us should ever have to feel. I’m not okay with the sadness I feel as I write this. Nobody wants to be in this club, and I don’t know why it exists.

I don’t ever in my life want to buy a condolence card for anyone who has lost a child again. I don’t want to feel sadness and I damn sure don’t want them to feel the pain from the loss. Because lets face it, there are 7 stages of grief and they will eventually get through all of them but that pain…. that will never go away, or fade or heal. You learn to live normally but you’ll always have that void.

Tonight I pray for the family, I sent them every ounce of positive vibes I can create. I pray that even on their darkest days the light will find them and guide them.

RIP Jonathan Young

https://www.gofundme.com/in-loving-memory-of-john-young

Spread yourself thin

Tonight or Last night or the other night depending on when you are reading this… I went to a high school sports meeting. Technically it’s our 3rd time, except we’ve skipped the first two years lol. This is the kick off meeting where new incoming parents get to get info and learn some basics before the mandatory meeting right before sports start. This is also booster club recruiting. I have successfully avoided the booster club for 2 years but have been super actively involved in the Touchdown club. However, with James picking up wrestling this year it makes sense to be part of the over all team. I walked into the meeting and walked out a board member.

Now I know you guys are like “Seriously Sarah wtf” I know I know crazy right? I just finished my 11 year stint as the Advancement Chairperson in the BSA for various Troops or Packs, technically I’m still AC BUT James is done sooooo yea that’s like a Massive difference!!! Between Laila’s dance, btw her recital was amazing!!!!, and Archer starting sports in fall too and both babies at the dance school and Laila starting pre school and Limelight… omg can we talk about how swamped I am with Limelight. I’m neck deep and loving it, every single day the people who have tried my products are ordering more and we go through everything to make sure it’s perfect for them like 50% of my day is literally helping others. Seriously it’s freaking nuts even in the meeting I was doing limelight stuff until 10pm. Anyway, with all that I’m adding this too.

Now let me explain why it’s not a bad thing to spread yourself thin. Not too thin that you are barely keeping your head above water but just thin enough that you are productive in each of your ventures. The reality is we don’t want to be sitting doing nothing, or at least I don’t. My kids are growing up and I only have right now to have these moments. At the same time I want to set an example for my kids that even though I am at home with them, I am working every day and I am successful and I still have time to make sure I’m actively part of their lives.

As much as I “embarrass” James, he tells me all the time he’s thankful I’ve never missed anything. When he goes off to college and moves on with his life he’ll know that I was always there and still had a business and he will then turn around in turn use that as an example to be a great father (in the FAR future) and he will be a successful business man and he will be well rounded and the kids will have the same. I worked for years outside of the home and it was hard to have that balance but I am blessed enough that I can have that balance between limelight, director of domestic affairs, advancement chairperson, cookie mom, taxi mom, and now booster club board of directors. All my kids are sports kids and honestly it makes sense that I be part of building a lasting organization for their futures.

No bullshit, James is done with BSA and I needed something for him to replace it since I try to balance my involvement with each of these demons I created lol. I’m still part of BSA but since he’s not there the involvement is different. Seriously though make sure that you don’t spread yourself too thin but make sure you are present in your children’s lives and volunteer even if you miss a day of work to read a book during story time or if you donate food for their games or whatever, just be present. They will take those memories with them their entire lives of how involved you were and how working you were and they will become better humans using you as an example. Some of my best memories was when my parents sacrificed their time to join me in my sport or my show. Have a great night folks, go make memories.

All that is Crazy

These days seem to get crazier and crazier as we approach the end of the school year and summer. We have recitals, birthdays, visitors, James skipping school, product launches, back in stocks, pampered chef orders arrived, diets, new classes starting, school ending, camps, trips and so much I can’t even continue and finish this blog tonight. Laila has her recital this weekend. So of course her rehearsal is tomorrow night. The entire and I mean entire immediate family is coming to her show on Sunday. On Saturday James is volunteering with my dad at Gettysburg helping restore the historic site (they do it every year). Joel will ditch me to go to a meet. I’ll need to hit the farmers market(s) Saturday too. I have to distribute those tickets at some point this weekend. I also need to distribute my last PC order that came in to the people who purchased. My family is staying with us. Joel’s brother’s birthday is this weekend. So somewhere in this madness we have to find time for him. And that’s just the next 3 days.

Today and yesterday I had product launches and I needed to balance Archer’s progress sessions with James’s physical therapy sessions to make sure I worked around my launches. It’s been bat shit crazy. James is missing school tomorrow because it’s graduation day so the under class-men are allowed to leave school early with permission. HOWEVER, since they are watching a series James has already watched (lost) in English and in AP history they will be watching the history of gladiators tomorrow it’s safe for him to miss the day. I’m have a class once a week to help better develop myself as a human being. It’s called Jack Jacobs Mastermind (jusstjack.com). It’s awesome but it has homework sometimes and honestly I need the homework to keep me grounded with all this crazy.

I’m just about 20lbs down. Even my cheat days stay in my calorie range. My neighbor has made these amazing desserts lately and you know what….. I work them into my diet because they are amazing and what’s the point of living if I can’t eat what I want. I’ve learned great self control. Which is greatly helping with Laila’s constant determination to never use a potty…. or poop. (That poop issue is serious like suppository serious)… I don’t even want to talk about that I’ll get aggravated. Laila can’t go to Princess camp, that is non refundable paid for unless she is potty trained, and don’t get me started about Pre-school in the fall.
We also took away all bottles and sippy cups today… I may not survive this weekend.

James is planning a road trip with his buddy in NY…. the kid is 17 with a new license. Do I even need to explain my hesitation? At least his parents feel the way I do about this. He’s also planning his NY trip and his summer away. Because come August 1 his ass is back in football getting ready for the new season. Biggest issue we’re having honestly is he’s no longer big enough to be a lineman… he has thinned out a lot and it maybe time to look into skill positions but he’s hesitant because he only knows lineman positions. Speaking of trips… so someone this morning planted the seed in my brain to head out to Disney for a weekend to do the whole Avatar thing… and now that’s in my head. Not to mention we’ll be on the other side of the bay bridge in 2 weeks so I’m thinking of making it a ocean city beach weekend kinda thing.

I don’t know… we’ll see but for now at least I scheduled my family picture before my brother decides to move his ass to Australia.

Bitter Sweet Weekends.

This weekend was awesome, it was also sad. We had an amazing neighborhood BBQ with my favorite neighbors. The weather was kind enough to hold out for us but it was an eye opener. I realized that our dynamic is changing and with one of our trio moving. Then we had the Eagle Scout Court of Honor which is officially our last act as a scout. But it’s over a decade of dedication that has paid off and come to an end. My family was ALL here and just as quickly gone. Then there was the Baptism which again was great the kids played with their cousins and food was amazing. Lots of love all around but the feeling of knowing you’re done having kids when you don’t really want to be done always lingers.

I have been super blessed with neighbors who, although are in different stages of life, we have this amazing friendship. We have the slightly older than me mom with young kids who’s done having more but is established in her career and her life. Me who is right in between with both old and young kids and A young couple (Joel’s age lol) who is just starting their family with one toddler and the possibility of expansion. That’s the couple that sold their home and will moving soon. We love them and can’t really picture the neighborhood with out them but we’ll have to. I’m sure we’ll keep in touch after all as big as this town is, it isn’t that big. Plus who doesn’t want neighbors that are amazing cooks. Tracy makes bake goods that should be sold at only the finest bakeries on the planet, Ashley’s Ice cream cookie cake and salads are so amazingly delicious. The irony is the three of us seek the same thing. We all purchased our homes to be downtown and reap the rewards of being young and childless. Well I wasn’t childless but James was older. We saw potential for equity in these old homes with the highly coveted lots in the middle of the city. However, now with our stages of life, all different, again we seek the same thing… great schools, acreage, bigger homes and less maintenance. The city as great for walking and eating as it is… is no longer for us we want to be further out in the peaceful suburbs. It is truly bitter sweet. I however suspect we will once again find our way to being neighbors… after all we are all looking for the same exact things. Life is funny that way I mean how ironic is it that Toby and Joel are born on the same day, on the same year and maybe even the same time and have the similar hobbies or that Tracy, Ashley and I all share our love for things natural. But this was just our Friday….

Saturday was just as action packed. First, yes I was late to my own party lol. We had James’s Eagle Ceremony. Although James finished his work 2 years ago and officially completed his board of Review in April, we still had to have the ceremony. Well we didn’t have to but it is STRONGLY encouraged. In fact it’s pretty rare not to. The whole point was to not only honor James but have an example or goal for the other boys to achieve. The first Eagle of our troop Connor who is now away at MIT made it down for the ceremony, so it was a nice surprise for him to put the scarf on James as a passing of the torch. I ran around all morning to get ready for this which felt like most of my decade plus in scouting. Always crazy always hectic and usually last minute. I was thankful (and surprised) my make up made it 14 hours flawlessly with all the sweating involved. However as the last event it was bitter sweet. That’s entire chapter of my life and most of James’s life that I’m closing the door on. The door isn’t locked because eventually it’ll be Archer’s turn but for now it’s closed. I do hold onto the Advancement Chairperson rank which doesn’t require much since our troop is so small but I was a little sad to be done with James. It was our thing and it’s over. My brother for the first time since Archer was born joined us for the occasion with my parents. It’s sad because they weren’t here long and the kids adore him. It’s even sadder knowing I don’t have many of these moments left with him before he moves over seas. I enjoyed my time but again totally torn.

Then there was Sunday… The kids went to their baby cousin’s baptism. It was awesome. So many cousins and 2nd cousins and 3rd cousins and 4th cousins. They had so much fun that getting them to leave was hard. They rode scooters and got adults to take them on wagon rides around the neighborhood. They played with everyone. It was a great time. When we move, we’ll miss them and the idea of family play like that. It was the first time in years they got to play with that many cousins in one spot. Realistically it’ll be years before it happens again, even longer if we go through with our plans to leave the state.

As bitter sweet as everything was this weekend the lesson here is that we need to live in the here and now. The moment is now and regardless of what the future holds for us I know that these memories are worth making now and not wondering what’s next. We’ll get to the what’s next later but for tonight I’ll live for today.

Mother’s Day

Realistically Mother’s Day was created because there was a need. Not a need for something to be commercialized but a need to recognize the women who give us life, who sacrifice themselves, their bodies, their life practically to give all they have into the little shits that are children who ultimately don’t appreciate their mothers until they get something they want, the mom dies, or they are older and that “You were right” moment occurs (it will happen). Kids are assholes… there is no if, and or but about it. At some point in life your kid, my kid, that kid over there will all turn into little assholes. Some start early, some start in pre teens, some in teens, and the late bloomers as young adults. We have ALL gone through that stage and when we did it, it was hard on our parents/ step parents.

Damnit!!! Parenting is hard!! That’s why there is a father’s day and a mother’s day. There are amazing parents, step parents, adoptive parents, foster parents and guardians out there doing awesome jobs who for one day need a break. Tough shit you’re not getting that break lol. Sorry there is no such thing as breaks in parenthood. Sad truth… there is such thing as love and appreciation though and if it only lasts for a second, absorb all of it.

Let’s talk history for one second. Mother’s day has been around since Greek and Romans had festivals to celebrate Mother Rhea and Cybele which evolved into the Christian “Mothering Sunday”. In Europe on the 4th Sunday in lent it was “Mother Church” so people would return back to the church. Here in the good old U S of A it was Ann Reeves Jarvis of West Virginia in 1868 who created “Mother’s Day Work Clubs” to teach young women how to be good mothers. Right behind her in 1870 was abolitionist and suffragette Julia Ward Howe that created “Mother’s Day Proclamation,” a call to action that asked mothers to unite in promoting world peace, that day is now June 2nd. There were other women like Juliet Calhoun Blakely, a temperance activist who inspired a local Mother’s Day in Albion, Michigan, in the 1870s. The duo of Mary Towles Sasseen and Frank Hering, meanwhile, both worked to organize a Mothers’ Day in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. HOWEVER, Ann Reeves Jarvis’s daughter Anna Jarvis helped create the Official American Mother’s Day as a way of honoring the sacrifices mothers made for their children. She set off her efforts when her own mother died in 1905 and by 1914 Woodrow Wilson made it an official holiday nationally. She never got married or had kids of her own and was disgusted with how commercialized it had gotten.

Now we have today where we go out and pay $5 for a card, $20 or more for flowers that will die (because it’s like Valentines day and there is an up charge). We squeeze into restaurants to give ourselves a break from cooking along with the rest of our population. We are Anna’s nightmare. BUT let’s not forget why we have this day. It’s not so our kids can make us crap and tell us they love us (even if they don’t mean it lol) because face it they don’t really get it. Hell sometimes we as adults don’t really get it.

Today is about reflecting on our awesomeness even if no one does a damn thing for us. Not all mothers are deserving, I can personally say I know a few cum dumpsters that should never have had kids or had custody of kids. It happens BUT the rest of us have earned our right to today. Even if what we want includes our every day routine. Some women haven’t successfully conceived or have had to hear the horrid news that their hopes of motherhood have been ripped from them because their bodies won’t cooperate. In that case, tell those women how amazing they are. Most of them are aunts or god mothers. My neighbor, never had children. Her and her husband tried for many years, they turned to the church and prayed and now at 60 those hopes have died but she is an amazing Sunday School teacher. Her own mother died a few years ago so she is all alone but for a few hours every week she is those children’s guidance. Tell people like her she is awesome, be compassionate and loving. Mother’s day is different for everyone. For those that lost their mother’s but are mothers the day is bitter sweet, let’s give a hug for the grief, and promote the positive.

So today even if you do nothing else, tell a mom or any woman they are awesome. Appreciate your fellow woman. Do not exclude the step mom, some of those women work harder for family than some of the birth mothers. Let today be a day of good human interaction, a day of love, and support.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone… I need to go make breakfast and clean my house… because with out me none of that exists in my home even if today is Mother’s Day.

My gift today from James was 24 hours of his time…. I’ll take that over the crap flowers (he’s allergic to them) and card I end up tossing any way… because I’ll make him babysit for free and clean with that and help is totally the best gift of all.

Depression

Let’s talk about that taboo topic real quick. I realized a long long time ago I am or maybe was depressed. It’s a hard transition to go from being a person climbing that corporate or business ladder flying quickly or even steadily toward your dreams and then all of a sudden you are a stay at home mom because it’s not financially beneficial to continue your previous life. Then you have an incurable illness, then you have a curable illness that can potentially lead to death. Your entire life plan changes. It’s a quick blow to the ego, it’s a blow to your happiness and a dark cloud forms. You feel your self worth diminish because no matter how important of a job you are really doing society makes you feel like you aren’t.. Everyone has an excuse to why your job is crap is theirs is so much more difficult because they think they do your job and more but they don’t realize they are wrong. Realistically this happens to more than just me. In fact it’s huge. There are legitimate mommy wars about this stuff. So huge that there are tons of medications just to treat the emotions… Too bad there is nothing to treat the stigma.

So I’m going to talk about this journey both in the blog and today on my lunch time chat on facebook. Clearly the above was the beginning of round two down this road. I’ve actually suffered from Depression most of my existence. I can self treat. I don’t self medicate but it was manageable. I say was because somewhere after I moved to Maryland it was no longer manageable. I sought treatment and that’s how we discovered I had fibro. Depression can do damage to a person. Depression is defined by: “A brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life.” Some of those impairments include changes in sleep, appetite, energy level, concentration, daily behavior, self-esteem, mood, cognitive changes and thoughts of suicide. For me, it was self-esteem, daily behavior, loss of sleep, appetite changes and just blah. So here’s the thing. I wear sweats, i wasn’t doing my hair, my face or anything really. I didn’t want to leave the house, I didn’t want to be around anything or anyone.

If you have seen me in real life you will a frumpy mom who looks like her kids are driving her insane with activities and a schedule that is too busy to breath. It’s not the wrong impression. It’s how I feel. We have cut back on activities for my own health… most forced cut backs like the little gym. We use to go every day at 9am. It was hard on me and my body to get up and get out and then be out after that. I skipped breakfast the kids ate in the car and it just wasn’t healthy in that aspect. But it was amazing for the kids, they love it, we love the staff they were awesome but when I had surgery I just couldn’t do it alone. So it had to go until all this surgery crap is done. Piano. Laila loved piano… on good days and wanted to do other stuff and threw fits on others. I just cut piano. I can teach her what he was. It means that there is no rush to get out the door and go to the mall on a Saturday when she wants to sleep in and play with her friends or go to the farmers market etc… Piano had to take a break too.. he also pissed me off soooooooooo yea. I have sports season in fall I’m prepping for that August 1 James starts football. Archer and Laila will start Lacrosse and Soccer (not sure if Lacrosse is offered but if it is they will) Laila will be in dance. Over the summer Archer is in creative movement, Laila has princess camp (assuming she is potty trained), and in dance still. Joel has shooting hobbies and his motorcycle and races to watch… are you noticing one person is absent from having their own anything?

I still have some of these days, it’s most days. Now here comes the part that sounds like a sales pitch but it’s really not, it’s what changed. I still suffer from depression most days. Now I come on lives, there are days I put on make up and feel pretty and then I’m compelled to get up and get dressed. If I get dressed I’m compelled to go somewhere… the mall, the supermarket… anywhere. That’s because with Limelight I am held accountable. I’m suppose to be positive and happy and supportive and I show my products on my self and all of those things improve my mood. It’s literally forcing me to be a better person. They hold me accountable to be those things because that is my essence I just have gotten so far away from it that it was work to get back to it. Limelight is my light. Now that’s not to say Pampered Chef is crap, it’s not. I joined pampered chef because I love their products, they are amazing. I was hoping it would help me be more social and to a small extent it did but that was when I was out doing shows or at shows. Limelight I have to wake up every day and be accountable to do my lunch time lives even if I’m late. If I accept a challenge, I’m accountable to complete it. My friend, who is also my upline, keeps me accountable. She checks in on my posts not to see the content but to see if I’m mentally doing okay. If I’m happy with my life. If there is anyway she can help me feel better. Wanting to get up and show the world how amazing I feel when I do an invigorating scrub in the shower, or how pretty I feel with make up or with my skin healed is an awesome feeling. I enjoy feeling happy, it sure as hell beats the other emotions associated with depression. Every sale gives me a confidence boost, not because of the financial support but because I truly feel like I’m helping people feel better and look better and feel better about how they look, just like me.

Subconsciously I feel like everyone is an extension of myself and when I help them I feel like I’m helping my self get better all over again. They say the 2 most important days in your life are the day you are born and they day you discover why. I think I discovered why a long time ago. I feel like I’m suppose to help people in some way… with advice, being a ear, helping solve issues etc… and that’s been the best motivation to not stay depressed every day. Some days Depression wins but any day it doesn’t it’s an amazing day.

What in the lack of common freaking sense is this?

So I’m fuming right now. Like face looks like a bright red apple, blood is about to spray out of my eyes mad. I’m not angry at any one person. I’m mad at the stupidity that is this damn greedy ass hospital. It is 2017 and since we moved here in 2011 I haven’t been late on a single bill, especially our medical bills.

So imagine my surprise when I get this thick package addressed to me from the Hospital. I thought maybe they are updating their policy or were returning the copy of my living Will. Nope. It was a series of bills from literally Archer’s birth until now. I paid for Archer’s birth. I paid the Dr.’s separately, I paid the facility fee. But evidently the nursery isn’t party of the facility so today I got an extra 400+ charge for that. Never mind that Archer stayed with me the entire time including his botched circumcision. Yes I went and I watched but it was not the nursery and I paid that charge already. So what Nursery? I don’t know. In total the bills will come to a debt of $3000 literally. But wait there’s more… (say that in a game show host sounds way better) there are almost $600 in bills that were sent directly to collections without ever generating a bill. They have now been flagged for review because had I been billed they would have been paid like the $25000 we have already paid them over the last 3 years. Their system literally showed the representatives (and I used an S because more stupidity will follow in the next paragraph) that no bills were ever generated after they collected money from the insurance company. I literally went over 3 years of bills and checks issued with this lady. No seriously.

Now you’d think we could loop this all together for a payment plan right? nope. So 5 of the bills are with one business, 10 are with another business and then there is a 3rd balance. They are all the freaking FMH billing department, just different companies. but my payments… they all go to the same damn PO box. Seriously?!?!?!? You have one place to pay but 3 places to bill so I still have to write 3 freaking checks to send them to 1 place so they can be applied to 3 different places. So I can consolidate into one payment what’s with each company but not the total amount. The frustration is crazy… seriously. Does that make any sense? It doesn’t to me.

And for the record I never was notified or billed by collections on those 4 bills either, I only found out because the lady started mentioning amounts I didn’t have in my hand and when we researched them that’s how we found out. Crazy right?

The reality is I can get as angry as I want at this but it was important that I don’t take that anger and frustration out on the people who are helping me research this bullshit. Remember customer service people are just doing their job. It is the upper management that ultimately makes these decision to be greedy and create bullshit charges and back bill, their loyalty is not to the staff, the patients or helping others it’s to their share holders and as someone who has worked in the hospital I understand this, doesn’t mean I like it though.